Life has taken a bit of a turn for me in the past few weeks. I feel like I’m settling in. I’m sighing. I’ve been searching for this place for a long time now. I’m so grateful I’m feeling this way.
^^Snuggles are a necessary part of our routine. 
I was struggling there for a bit. My kids were hard. Hard on me, hard on each other, and hard on the house. The past few months I spent a lot of time handling my kids’ emotional meltdowns, refereeing fights, and trying to keep my head afloat with all the messes that pile up while being stuck inside during the cold months.
^^THE STRUGGLE.
My little dude was moving from baby to toddler and wanted to so much more from me than what he could communicate. It came out in yearns and cries almost all day, every day. It was exhausting. My daughter moved into her 3 year old self. Which is every bit as challenging as people warn you about. It does have its plus sides – she is capable of understanding so much now. But that doesn’t mean she agrees with it. She has strong opinions now about what she does and does NOT want to do. It is very hard to distract, reason with, or convince her anymore if she has her heart set. So sometimes it feels like I’m literally banging my head on the wall when I’m trying to figure out a way to convince her – for example – that she needs to put pants on before we leave the house. Plus – on top of these things – Savvy has been going through Topical Steroid Withdrawal since the end of August. I won’t go into details right now – will save that for a later story – but it has been SO. HARD.
^^My sweet husband felt it was important to document my exhaustion.
I was stuck here for awhile. I wore pajamas a lot. I didn’t take care of myself. I could feel that I wasn’t taking care of myself. I stressed. Matt stressed too. Home and work and everything just adds up, you know?
But recently the heaviness and hardness is lifting ever so lightly day by day. I feel like I have been able to breathe lately and have found myself enjoying my stay-at-home motherhood days more often than before. Part of it might be that my little guy is communicating a lot lately. So instead of crying at me near the fruit snacks – he can tell me he wants “nacks” and I can respond. And I can also explain some things to him now and like that I just can’t give him his fifth serving of “nacks” today because that would just simply be overboard. So here – have a cracker. 
^^Probably climbing out of his chair to get a cracker.
For some reason my kids are also not fighting as much either. As a matter of fact – I have found them chasing each other and giggling a few times lately! Or choosing to hide *with each other* when we play hide and seek. Or *willingly sharing* a toy without me asking. These are seriously the sweetest images ever. Watching your children get along and be friends might be one of the greatest joys of motherhood.
I don’t know what has changed really. It just appears Savvy doesn’t feel so threatened by him anymore. She always seemed to be scared he was going to take her “stuff” or interfere with her tea party set-up (which were all very valid – he did take her stuff and trash her parties) … but he isn’t as destructive anymore and I think he has found his own way to play now. And I think he has learned that interfering with Savvy’s projects just doesn’t end up well for anyone involved.
AND WINTER IS ALMOST OVER. That is all that needs to be said.
With all these little changes with the kids, I’ve found myself taking better care of myself too. I started seeing a chiropractor to help adjust some of the crazy aches and pains I’ve had from carrying, birthing, nursing, toting around 2 kids in less than 2 years. And that has made such a difference in my physical well-being!
^^My post-hair-cut selfie to my husband.
I got my hair done for the first time in forever. I joined the YMCA again and have gone almost every day since I joined. And have begun picking up on all my crafting passions like candle-making, crochet, cross-stitch – which are things I grew up watching my own mother do and absolutely LOVE doing myself.
I’m so glad I’ve finally been a little more focused on my self-care. I sometimes sit back and feel regret that it has taken me so long to finally start candle making or why I haven’t been going to the gym this whole time. But you know what? I have to stop that. It gets me nowhere. I have to remember that everything has a season. That life just is what it is sometimes. And not everything has to be perfect all the time. I can struggle for a little while. I don’t always have to be well-rounded or successful and accomplishing great things all the time. It is ok. I’m going to be ok. I’ve learned that recently. That even in the midst of struggle – where I feel like I’ve lost sight of who I think I am – that I’m not far off from where I should be. And nothing is done for nothing. I’ve been there for my kids this whole time. Making sacrifices – even in the form of self-care – to be with them and there for them through some really hard times. And now that things are easing up a bit and I’m settling in – I already know that I won’t regret any of it.
